Musings

the other day jack and i were having a heated discussion...ok we were fighting...and i was jumping from thing to thing like i often do...going from one concern to another..and jack says, "will you just slow down??"

well we settled our issues (for now anyways..) and today i was reading scripture  (which i am not good about doing everyday, but i do try to do it often...you can pray for me on that..) and i came across this passage...

"In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength.." Isa 30:15

repentance, rest, quietness and trust...are words that are foreign to my walk...and as a result I often don't live like i am saved and often don't draw upon the Lord's strength..

jack's words to "slow down" are reverberating in my mind along with the words of the Lord: repentance, rest, quietness, trust..none of these things are true of me...Lord, will you make "the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, o Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer. Psalm 19:14"

 

met with the surgeon today and he felt the lump and thinks it is "definitely prominent" but "highly unlikely" cancerous.  he thinks it has to do with breastfeeding and wants me to come back in a month after i am done to reevaluate.  praise God from whom all blessings flow!! thank you for praying...and for asking me and checking up on me..makes me feel so loved by the lord!

a side note...we waited in the lobby (jack too..which is the world's worst "waiter"...) for 2 hours..then i went up front and they told me that i should have signed in!!!  augh!!!  I gave all of my info to the receptionist..but obviously you still have to sign the clipboard!!! sorry, jack!  he was so patient!

had my breast ultrasound and the dr says the breast tissue looks completely normal..doesn't think i need to have the biopsy, but my obgyn wants me to go to the surgeon anyway and have him look at the ultrasound to be sure on monday...

thank you for praying :) i felt peace all the way to the breast center this a.m..although i was nervous...it just kept thinking women have been in my same situation to find out they have aggressive cancer..and it just really made me sympathetic to what they must go through...keep praying for monday's visit.
off to the beach!

in the past week lots has transpired in the blogging world...was introduced to google.com/reader which is amazing!  (for those of you who don't use it..but most of you probably already do since you follow me, who writes not so often...it is a way to keep up with many blogs on the internet...basically an email account for your blogs..) so now when i click "next" on my toolbar..and one of my blogging buddies have posted, i see only the new posts i haven't read..it is revolutionary to my blog reading...because of this i am able to keep up with lots more blogs than i did before thus procrastiate important matters with much more ease.  i have 18 blogs in my account..blog bliss :)  one of the new blogs that i am reading now was referred to me through a friend named kelli's blog called othershaveexcuses.blogspot.com/ ..i love reading her..anyways, she mentioned www.desiringgod.org/Blog/ in her post..so (because i am addicted to adding blogs to my google reader...) i promptly went there.  it ends up that it is a really good blog to enter my line-up.  it is devotions and other resources from John Piper..so everyday when i click "next" on my toolbar (i know i am being really descriptive..but i think it is so cool) i can read a new devotional by a man of God and he gives a few chapters in scripture to reference

which brings me to my second point of writing this entry ..this morning the desiring god blog was really God :)  It was about the disciples doubting that the Lord would provide for them food after he miraculously used them to feed thousands... (you can read it because i am not doing it justice)  Piper says, "What didn’t they understand? That Jesus would take care of them. You can’t outgive Jesus. When you spend your life for others, your needs will be met."  I fully believe that the Lord will meet my needs...I believe that with my lump, I believe that with my marriage, i believe that with my son...one of my uncomfortable feelings about reading Mark 6-8 is that the Lord knows the difference between my needs and my wants..and He doesn't say that "your wants will be met.."   what would my life look like if only NEEDS were met?  that may be pretty scary...and then the other thing that makes me cringe at reading this devo is my catholic guilt..i was raised catholic so i struggle with lots of guilt about what i don't do...and the part where he says "when you spend your life for others your needs will be met..." i immediatly go to the place of questioning if i do enough...there is always more that i could do..there are always things that i know need to be done that i don't do...there are things like downtown ministries and mentoring that i used to be so involved with and now i sit and feel guilty about what i am not doing...it is like i can't rest in the Lord..i am always feeling like there is more that he is wanting me to do and say and he is mad at me..and i feel that anger when i read things like the above...

unfounded? probably...like in the account in Mark, God used the disciples to feed his people..they were just with him and he touched the people around them in His name without them having to sign up for anything or commit to anything...and they didn't even believe that he could provide their needs and he still used them...so that must mean that the Lord can use me exactly where i am..He is hopefully not looking down on me in anger for who i haven't helped or what i haven't signed up for..he knows my sinful heart and he uses the position that i am in (wife to jack, mother to jackson, daughter to my mom and dad, daughter-in-law to my mil and fil, church attender, etc..) he uses me where i am planted to work his miracles inside of me and others. i just wish i could believe this in my heart and not be so afraid that my offerings are not accepted by the Lord.  and like in the 1 Peter reference below..God choses me, I am precious to him, He is building me into what he wants me to be, i will never be put to shame and i have recieved mercy...I just wish i could believe these promises.

^{1 Peter 2 :  4}As you come to him, the living Stone—rejected by men but chosen by God and precious to him— ⁵you also, like living stones, are being built into a spiritual house to be a holy priesthood, offering spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ. ⁶For in Scripture it says:
   "See, I lay a stone in Zion,
      a chosen and precious cornerstone,
   and the one who trusts in him
      will never be put to shame."^{[a] 7}Now to you who believe, this stone is precious. But to those who do not believe,
   "The stone the builders rejected
      has become the capstone,^[b]"^{[c] 8}and,
   "A stone that causes men to stumble
      and a rock that makes them fall."^[d] They stumble because they disobey the message—which is also what they were destined for.

 ⁹But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. ¹⁰Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.

purging books around my house...because there is just not enough space for us and books.

i am starting to feel claustrophobic from all of the books!

Hello friends who are praying about my lump :)  I went to the doctor yesterday and the lump is still there with no new growth in 6 weeks (which is a good sign).  I am scheduled to go in for a ultrasound and mammogram at 7:45am on June 30th (is anyone available to babysit on june 30th in the morning?).  Then on July 6th at 2:30pm (jack will babysit), I will go to the breast surgeon with the results and he will either extract the inside of the lump on that day (if it is liquid filled) or he will operate on a different day (if it is a mass).

There is your update. Keep praying!

we were so going to move...we look at every house for sale in our city it seems..and we were so pumped..now is def the time to buy...and we even had renters so we wouldn't have to sell our house right away...but maybe the Lord has different plans..jack's boss emailed him basically saying that this year is either his last year to work for uga or he will be reinstated next year as a perminent instructor...he has the title temp instructor right now and has for 4 years when this year if over..temp instructors can only work for uga for 3 years and then they have to jump thru a ton of hoops to get that 4th year, but they don't get a 5th year....no we don't know what to do...we may just procede with the original moving plan, but it seems so risky to me...to have two houses next year and maybe no job...

you can pray...we want to get the market while it is good, but we don't want to be unwise!

Update on Jackson email :)
It is such a joy to be jackson's mommy and daddy!   May 14th he turned 7 months old.  We were at sea island, so I didn't get a chance to upload his pictures until now...he had many firsts...first time to hold his bottle, first time to be in his floatie in the pool, first time to sit up (momentarily) and get up on all fours (now he is crawling, but i will put that in his 8 months update :),...he loves to talk (takes after his mommy),  he says dadadadada all the time..but doesn't know what that means, yet.

6-7 month pictures (be sure to read captions for more info)
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=113781&id=608284281&l=09f9ffaf30


Mommy, Daddy and Jackson just got back from an amazing trip to Sea Island!  It was so fun to get to visit with nana and gg and g-pa!  Mommy and Daddy enjoyed getting to go out and do things without having to think about Jackson's napping schedule.  Nana and GG and G-pa were happy to babysit while we went to dinner, went on bike rides, even when we went to Disney for mommy's 30TH birthday!  Yes, 30!!! yikes! Disney was a BLAST!!!  We even ate a 5 course meal at the French Restaurant in Epcot!  So  yummy!

me:
I am laying here listening to Jackson cio for a nap...i am trying to get him to sleep more than 40 minutes at a time...so my sentences may be a little disjointed as i am writing this...vacay at the beach was amazing because we had in laws and my mom to help us with jackson so we had a ton of time together just the two of us, which was much needed...but also we weren't at church for like a month, which always leaves me feeling disconnected from fellowship...there is no bible study or small group in the summer which also always makes me feel disconnected from study..and so last night we attended our first night of "when sinnner's say, I do" marital class..it was good to finally sit in a room with other believers and talk about things that are eternal.  i am thirsty for the more Lord and less apathy in my days.  i am excited that we joined the ymca..i got money to do it for my birthday...i enjoy the palates class that i went to today and enjoy riding the stationary bike and reading my magazine at the same time...makes me feel more like i have a life seperate from my monkey :)  and had a love to hate relationship with the "boot camp" class that left me soar for a week so far :)  and i enjoy leaving jackson in a nursery with lots of different age kids and  lots of caring adults...it is fun.  i am supplimenting with formula now and bfeeding at the same time, so it has been less pressure on me to make exactly enough milk for monkey.  he is growing like a weed and i am enjoying the flexibility that comes with a bottle and the health benefits that comes with breastfeeding..best of both worlds.  i definately think that 5 months and on has been lots more fun than before 5 months. 

well little man is still cio, so i am going to go rescue him :) i can't take more than an hour.

thanks for reading me!

Hi!  I am a dog lover and owner of 4 dogs.  I have had them for over 5 years, over the past year, two of them have started becoming aggressive to the other two.  I don't want to take the two aggressive dogs to animal control, but I can't keep running hurt animals to the vet.  The two aggressive dogs would be sweet dogs for an owner who only wants one dog or you have a dog who is really laid back and will let them be in charge.  They have never been aggressive to people or children.  I think my back yard has become a doggie war zone and not a safe place for my non-aggressive pets. 

here are pictures of the dogs....

grace --so sweet, a cuddler, and loves to be outside or inside...is house broken and walks well on leash. :)


the white lab mix with the red collar on the outside of the fence is gabey.  he is so sweet. loves to be petted and is an outside dog...doesn't like to be inside.  very sweet!

will you pray for me...i went to the dr. yesterday because when i was breastfeeding about a month ago, i discovered a small pea sized lump in my right breast.  Shelnutt doesn't think it is anything serious, but it is NOT a swollen milk duct like i had hoped.  he wants to check it again in 6 weeks (sometimes cysts go away..) if it isn't gone by then, i will have to have a breast surgeon extract it with a needle to find out what is inside of it.  i am pretty scared...breast cancer doesn't run in our family, but i can't help but go there every now and then when i think of all of the possibilities...

pray.

(this is jackson at 4 months...at 3 months he started rolling from tummy to back..he doesn't sleep well on his back, so to keep him from rolling over, i put this packnplay next to him in the crib...)

last night when he woke up tons was the first night that i took the packnplay out of his crib...last night i put it back in his crib and he slept like champ...i guess he needs it more than i thought to keep him from rolling around and waking himself up.

probably not the most conventional way to sleep..but, hey, if it works to help him sleep, i will do it!

ok, i have nothing to write about...nothing on my mind...but the quiet monitor makes me feel like i need to fill a blank screen on my journal.

last night pretty much sucked...it was like jackson was an infant again...he woke at 1030, 230, 430, and 730...augh!  but my new motto is "today is a new day"...because it is true every day can be the start of a new pattern...jackson was sleeping 9-9 and then he started waking to eat at 6 and then he started waking to eat at 4 and last night was AWFUL..so may he will cycle back to the 9-9 again soon..ha!

i was pretty pissed last night with all of the waking up...and a mixture of cj and michelle cummings were at war in my head...cj saying, "don't worry about the waking up..he needs something or he wouldn't be waking up..figure out what he needs and give it to him and don't worry about training..when he no longer needs what he needs he will go back to sleep.." and mc saying, "once they sleep through the night do not feed them anymore...they can make it through the night without eating...so stick to your guns...go comfort him and relax him without feeding him..."  the war was pretty bad in my mind...what do i do?!  cj won...i was too tired to lay awake listening to him scream...but then this am...i had that worried feeling in my mind...it sounded something like.." heather, heather, heather...you are going to have a one year old that wakes up every 3 hours to eat all night long..."

well, i read my devo this am..which i do not do every morning (don't want you to thing i am super spiritual..., but this morning i needed inspiration...(he is awake now so i need to make this quick)..it was about not being a complainer/grumbler.."Recognizing your Father's hand will most assuredly help you bear His discipline with the patient spirit of submission"...if you "endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons" (heb 12:7)

my question is..what does that mean in this situation??  my mommy brain is having trouble putting all of the pieces together...

www.facebook.com/album.php

after she cut it before i washed it...i may never be able to style it again...but this is what is looks like in theory :)

i am going to get my haircut today...and i want to ask my hairdresser,

"will you make me a cute, hip, 'in', and sassy mom, that can put her hair in a pony tail when i don't feel the look?"

cute, hip, 'in', sassy



not feeling it

cj asked me this past week when were walking if i was writing in this journal anymore...ha!

my answer to her is this...i am writing in the journal. writing. i am not posting pictures (only links to pictures)..mainly, i am going to journal about my life. what is on my heart and in my mind...and when do i have time to write that stuff down? so much stuff gets in the way...jackson mainly gets in the way...but when he is napping, tv gets in the way, facebook gets in the way, email gets in the way, the sofa gets in the way...

so hear i sit in front of the computer screen, in the background there is oprah and a waking baby doing a mixture between talking and crying...a husband staring at me waiting for me to get off of the computer so he can use it to zone out...

but, the great thing about today is that today i can breathe. 

having a baby is HARD..and i was totally warned. my friends told me how they don't sleep, how they change your sex life, how they demand way too much attention, how they don't nap, how they make you worry more than you ever have, how they give you trouble with breastfeeding...etc.  i was totally warned.  but once the baby bug bites you, recovering is impossible. i wanted a family, i wanted a baby, i wanted to be pregnant..and having a baby was going to be different for us.  well, the best laid plans can go awry.

when dr. shelnutt laid jackson's slippery body on my breasts, my life changed forever.  that was the most amazing and automatic love i have ever experienced.  he was mine, he was ours...joy welled up inside of me and overflowed streaming down my face.  however, as i said having a baby is HARD. 

Month one : pure bliss with breastfeeding until i realized that jackson had lost a full pound and wasn't getting all he needed from me and had to get suppliment too, which meant i had to feed 20/20, pump 20/20, supplement 10 and then start the cycle over again 10 minutes later..., getting up every 3 hours to feed, he went right back to sleep thank GOD, didn't recall what 8 hours of sleep felt like, was in a fog most of the time, didn't remember the heather and jack we once were,  would i ever feel like a normal human being again?

Month two: see month one

Month three:see month one, started sleeping 5 or more hours at night...tried to train him to sleep longer, but it didn't work..ha!

Month four: went on a "vacation" that SUCKED!  he woke every three hours like he did when he was a month old. he didn't nap well, and he didn't do well in restaurant..a realization came over me that my new life "SUCKS"..and i get really really depressed..then i started my period. double yuck!

Month five: Jackson is starting to eat solids which takes some pressure off of me for getting him enough milk.  He is starting to gain weight, finally!  He is starting to sit up...which leads to a little less dependence on me...he laughs loud and squeals, which is a joy to hear and can change a terrible day to a great day...he can be distracted when he is crying with a silly song and silly sound....he is sleeping from 8p-8a with a feeding at 11p and a feeding at 630 a.  finally i feel like I can breathe.  jack and i went on a date two nights ago and it felt like the first real date we have been on...even though we have been out many times since he was born..i finally felt somewhat "footloose and fancy, free".. i felt a little more sexy, and felt a little more like a human being again.

today, i can breathe.

Jackson is doing great!  Saturday he turned 5 months old...he had many firsts...first solids, first time to meet grandaddy walsh, first time to go to the beach, first time to go to the aquarium,...he loves to laugh, chat with his monkey, and kicks when he sees his bowl of food everyday...


4-5 month pictures (be sure to read captions for more info)
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=97886&id=608284281&l=3dd6d8298e
continuted at
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=97889&id=608284281&l=2819888e73

Sea Island pictures
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=97893&id=608284281&l=c3c9dfe2d2
continued at
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=97898&id=608284281&l=0c4c537f9a

For mommy and daddy, life is full of laughing and crying...being in charge can be very rewarding and can also be very hard...vacations, dinners, and nights aren't quite the same.  You can pray for sanity when sleep wanes and for Jack and I to remember to take time out to be adults.  As you can see from the above pictures, we are having a ball!

my sleeping battle started off pretty tough...he cried all the time and never slept...now, he is sleeping 2 big naps and 2 little naps during the day and 9 hours at night and i just put him down and walk out and he rarely cries for more than 1 minute. these are the two friends who helped me and what they had to say that helped me.

this is from my friend who read babywise and summarized it---
it's all a matter if you are up for letting him cry some to nap.....we "train" them on some level, even though their personalities are a big factor too. put him in his crib...let him cry, check on him in 15 minutes...give him a paci (if he takes it) and pat his bottom or side (mine were all tummy sleepers-ha). keep doing this every 15 minutes. it may take a week or so, but he will "learn" that it's nap time. try to keep him awake after you feed him and look for the sleepy signs, and put him down as soon as he gives you the sleepy signs. he should sleep until his next feeding. often babies wake up after 30-45 mintues (sleep cycle thing). often they will go back to sleep, but it may take some crying/"training"....
i was very strict w/ the crying napping thing for the first 2 naps (morning/afternoon), but after 5:00, i was more flexible and my kids did catnaps in the evening. you want to be "firmer" about the naps (am/afternoon) that they are going to keep for a whole year (or even up to about 15 months). some days are better than others, but i do believe in "training" them early. the less work/crying you have to deal w/ later! routine is key!

This is from a friend who read healthy sleep habits happy child and summarized it---
1) i think i fed mine every 2 or 2.5 hours (infant) during the day until they were sleeping through the night. (to pack in as many calories during the day in order to deter night waking)
2) sleeping in the crib-->here's what i did with alice....first i would only put her in the crib once she was fully asleep (after rocking or jiggling etc.). then i worked on getting her down when she was barely asleep (right after she closed her eyes). now she goes down drowsy but awake (in other words, i rock her for 5-10 mins until i see that she is struggling to keep her eyes open, then into the crib she goes). since he likes to swing....you could let him swing for 5-10 mins or however long until you see him strugling to keep his eyes open. and then ever so gently transfer him to the crib.
i remember amy swingle got her girls on a routine of swinging for about 10 mins before every nap. and eventually it got to where, she would put them in the swing and they would instantly start to unwind. then she would walk them to the crib while she sang a lullabye.

Well, here are some updated pictures and video of our little monkey.  He is rolling over in full force now, smiling, grabbing, and "talking" away :)  He won't officially be 4 months old until February 14th, but i had time, so I wanted to get them to you now :)



video of him swimming for the first time :)
http://www.facebook.com/v/61553704281
picture album of our trip to beech mt, nc
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=89241&id=608284281&l=3dbfa


Picture album of his 3-4 month pictures
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=83298&id=608284281&l=7add9